Poop? Or Chocolate Soft Serve Monster?

Don’t you wish airplane seats were actually this big?

hotel

Handy when telling your friends you’re yachting.

cyclone

Unsure when the best time to use this volcano emoji is.

But there’s nothing to be afraid of with this adorable puppy around. To do so, we’ve ranked the 100 best emojis, not according to frequency of use as the smart people at FiveThirtyEight recently did, but according to a more scientific set of criteria that is definitely not just our own personal opinion.

ghost

But the best things in life are…

Shut up with your “it’s a crystal ball.”

turtle

Could you even fit all the emojis on one of these?

Pro-tip: If you see a man with a moustache like this, don’t go near him.

palm tree

target

sleepy face

broken heart

But it’s so EASY to text emoji hearts.

helpwhatever lady

sailboat

Just look at that sad slouch and sorrowful gaze.

…whatever’s happening here happens.

thumbs up

flame

We’re up all night texting emojis to get lucky.

66. The ’100′ Symbol Thing

wine glass

bowling ball on stand

running

gun

soon arrow

As in this post will be over soon.

money stack

money bag

Because Santa certainly is.

regular monkey emoji

For when you get angry about factually inaccurate emojis.

47. For only the most civilized of emoji diners.

tongue face

free

This monkey has none of those problems. nevermind.

This emoji is tripping very hard right now.

strong arm

no talking monkey

drunk baby

I think we all get this one.

Wait, is this a wolf, corgi, fox, dingo, puppet or dog?

crying joy face

noseeing monkey

scared face

4. Just look at those eyes.

knive fork

This one because it can’t hear anything. In case of emergency, the hospital emoji is one row up and four to the right from this one on your phone’s emoji keyboard.

Lying under one of these…

no good gesture

puppy dog

Handy when trying to tell your friends you’re on a cruise from hell, have a contagious disease and haven’t showered in several weeks.

walking

We get it, you’re up to something and you really want us to text back before you’re going to let us know.

dancer

four leaf clover

ok hand

real pig

pig nose

emoji

whatevers happening here

Ah yes, a sun to use when pretending you’re on vacation in the middle of January. Stuck Out Tongue With Closed Eyes

wai

You know what’s cool? This emoji.

watch

That awkward moment when…

musical notes

It is better to have loved and lost than not to have texted an emoji heart at all.

We challenge you to use this one in a serious text.

poop emoji

Good one for your boyfriend!

According to this emoji, hurricanes are about as scary as swirl doodles.

This monkey’s cute because it cannot see.

fake pig

revolving hearts

What’s that thing on its cheek?

weary

See how freaked out we are?

Because you’re a winner, goddammit!

oncoming bus

bridge

Because you never know when you’re going to need to text someone about faxing using a device that’s made faxing technologically obsolete.

rage

But we don’t condone gun violence.

This also works when you’re agitated.

money sign

100 emoji

smiling baby

Different emoji, same idea.

This one because it can’t talk.

celebration

sunny

And this one is even better.

Whoever wrote #43 and #44 should be hit with one.

zombie family

This. .

Perfect for your high school reunion so you can meet old…

love hotel

44. what are they called?

It was recently announced that there will soon be some 250 new emojis.

Rejection, thy name is emoji.

Without further ado, here are the 100 greatest emoji:

newspaper

lady bug

slice of pizza

punch emoji

volcano

100. Bowling Ball With Stand

1. MONNNNNEEEEEEYYYY!!!!!!

kissy face

clinking beer mugs

no hearing monkey

In honor of this new era in little Japanese pictograms, we thought we’d pay tribute to the classics.

Obviously, the poop emoji is #1. Followed by vomiting.

eggplant emoji

According to a survey of everyone I’ve ever known, this can be used for any occasion whatsoever, no matter how little fun you expect to have.

wolf face

check mark

symbols

bikini

This one only made it because of this article’s headline.

You know what’s not cool? Bros that use this emoji to thank you for a favor you didn’t want to do for them in the first place.

Best used when combined with a little…

statue of liberty

classic smiley face

cheeseburger

13. But we love it anyway.

goblin man

shocked face

floppy disk

goblin man

blush

75. Handy right?

sunglasses

moustache man

Note: This is not the emoji for hospital.

Oh, you didn’t know octopuses only have four legs and huge heads?

surfer

rose

Always a good metaphor for life.

eyes

Even better one for your “other” boyfriend.

crying face

fire name tag

So few places to go and people to see.

fax machine

octopus

This thing, however, is terrifying. Bowing Deeply? Yoga? Squatting?

Ummm, is the Statue of Liberty crying here? Don’t cry America.

heart

Can’t say this is the most appetizing animated piece of pizza we’ve ever seen. Yay!!

santa clause

What happens when you have a few glasses of these…

airplane seat

This thing looks like Barney the Dinosaur’s… Fire With Name Tag (?)

beer

19. Folding Hands/Praying/Wai

cat heart eyes

But if there’s ever a real volcano, remember this emoji newspaper about volcanoes. Input Symbols For Symbols

roller coaster

tiger

heart eyes

water wave

But, actually, this burger does look kind of delicious.

winky face

money with wings

At least they’re still together.

ship

martini

trophy

Ahhhhh! Well, not all babies are adorable.

Because everybody loves a shady sexual tryst in a dirty motel room that smells like cigarettes and Funyuns.

Just like this auspicious insect.

This is the saddest emoji in the world.

fish flag

We’re not really sure what this symbol emoji means or what it’s for, but that’s a lot of &%#@ing symbols.

Sort of looks like he’s walking on a surfboard, but whatever